Ruff, Ruff

I had some more trouble today. I'm sure that you all wanted to hear that. Though I've only been in the bathroom twice today -- total -- I still feel pretty bad. I slept most of the day, and no one's been in to see me. So what do I do? Simple: I logged onto CollegeClub, and fought with Cedric in the chat for a little while. Heh heh heh. I had no idea that he was going to be joining CollegeClub. What is he trying to do? Be normal?

I've been working on James's new layout graphics day and night (pratically), and I think that with my new lay out, he's going to have to change all his other graphics, but that's okay. Actually, I can't find the goddamned layout piece that I made last night. I know that I saved it somewhere, but I can't seem to find it right now. It doesn't help any that Blog*Spot is laying down on the job right now. I guess that I lost it for good. Fuck me. That really sucks ass. Oh well. I'll just have to keep looking.

James sent me a strange email. He told me to take the comments off the site because of that foolish stalker of his who stole all of Jade's online pictures back in December. He said that the stalker was sending AOL members to our sites to post threats, racial remarks, and try to get us run off line. Nice try. I really don't care what anyone does, I'm not breaking any laws, and I like my site just fine. Aside from the weirdos that come here, there's nothing wrong with it. I need to go back to sleep.

Smoke In The Sky

About ten minutes ago, I looked out the window in this room and seen an airplane go across the sky, leaving a trail of gray smoke against the starry night sky. It was..... inspirational. It made me decide that when James asks me to do his next layout, it's going to have something to do with the stars or the sky. James is a cosmo person. All his songs lately have to do with the sky, and planets. Even that Abraxas thing that he's doing right now has to do with the sky. Something about the planets being lined up perfectly.

I tried to go see Jade and Cedric down in ICU tonight, but I got nauseated in the elevator, and hit the "7" button before I even got there. I've had a lot of people ask me why I'm not an inspiration to other cancer victims. Why should I be? I try to ignore what I have like a birth defect. There are times when I cry out to the heavens, curse God, and wish this on all my enemies, but then I get my medication upped a little, and after a couple of days I'm better. I haven't had any pain this time around. I've puked four times today, I've been tired alot, and had the occasional diarrhea, but no constant gut ache. Is that a good sign? I think so.

Cancer hasn't made me a better or wiser person. If anything, it's made me hate more. What do I have to be thankful for? I'm not going to live to see my daughter start school, I live in a world of puke, shit, bucket hats, medicine, and surgeries. I know that bulemic people do too, but they can quit whenever they want. I don't have that option. If you have leukemia, I feel for you. I have to take 28 pills a day, or die a horrible death, and that's on my better days. When I'm nauseated, I have to take Kytril as well. So I don't hate other cancer patients, I just tend to avoid the whole thing. I don't appreciate life anymore then I did before. I still go out drinking, and if James was around, I'd probably try some of his illegal specials. Why should I be any different then anyone else?

Okay, all this writing has made me tired. I think I'll take another nap now.

Here We Go

Well, what do you think? This isn't exactly what I wanted in a layout, but it's good. It's really, really good.

I got the chemo-fog today. Sucks ass. I was so goddamned sure that I wasn't going to get sicker this time. It's so ironic. I knew I was getting a bigger dose this time, but I felt good for the past three days, and then last night, after I fell asleep to Simon and Garfunkle's Scarborough Fair. I woke up sick. Every hour or so, I shit a good six-inch pile of shit. How many of you are sick now? Heh heh heh. Still, I should get to sleep. Maybe I'll wake up dead. Who knows?

The Pain Of It All

Well, I've been duped. This low-life stole not only my title, but tried to steal some of my words as well. Hmmm. Just look through it's archives. It's all there. I'm seriously considering re-doing the layout here. I mean, I've been keeping this site for nearly a year now, and all I've got to show for it is a bunch tacky graphics and archives that weave down the left-hand side of the page. It isn't unique. Well, not for a Blog*Spot site, anyway. I've emailed an internet buddy of mine, and she and I are going to sit down, AIM to AIM and plan this out. Hey, if I'm stuck with Blog*Spot (HINT: BUY ME A DOMAIN, SOMEONE!!), then I might as well have one that's actually worth looking at. Actually, I found a layout on a great site that was referred to me by Kaycee, but I won't be putting the link back on James's site, or this one, until after his birthday, because I imagine that this is all that he'll get, and I can't exactly do HTML while I'm ill. It just pisses me off too much. And so what? It'll be less then a month without a link. That won't be too bad. I'll fix it, when I get it situated. I promise. I always do.

When Will They Learn

People. Idiots. Morons. Whatever you're being called now. When will you learn to leave James alone? You're not going to get him to take down his site, so why are you even trying? People who constantly scan the web looking for people who aren't who they say they are, well, they've got no lives. I could see it if James was claiming to be some hero-cancer victim, but he's not doing anything illegal online. He's not accepting money or gifts or anything like it. He tells his daily life story, and that's that. There's nothing wrong with that. He might not get every little teensy detail right, but so what? Why is everyone out there keeping score? Can't you just move on? I mean, if someone violates you, and does something bad to you, get em, and go on. Not everyone out there is lying about who they are. So I don't use my first name. So what? I don't want people chasing me down and doing something to me over a silly website. That's just sick.

Oh, and all you loving admirers out there, I've changed my email address. It's pratically SPAM-proof, but just let your mouse sit on the envelope over there, and write down the address that pops up at the bottom of your screen (usually over the "Internet Zone").

Here Comes The Pain

Damn. My gut's already churning. One thing about being stuck in here, the toilet's about four feet from my bed. But I'm not complaining about that. I've noticed something lately. Since "Jana"'s been away, not coming to the sites, no one's posted any racist remarks on the sites. No one's made any threats on any guestbooks. No one's sent "hotmail" hate-mail to anyone else. We've all basically had peace online. I, for one, hope that Marcy doesn't bring this damned character back to life. I've been telling everyone that I talk to online who wants to know, that "Jana" died. I'm still doing research as to what she died from. I'm pushing for cancer. How 'bout the rest of you? Oh, and join my cancer webring.

Now That I'm 18

I changed the title of this weblog to "All of this came from somewhere painfully real." I feel that it's very approperate. In less then 12 hours, I'll be starting a high dose of Taxol. I remember back to when I was 16, and I first found out that I had cancer. I thought that the Taxol would kill me in the first dose. Isn't the cure worse then the disease? Basically, I was scared. I'm scared now. Does that count? This higher dose is going to do more organ damage, make me sicker. The kytril probably won't even touch the puking, nausea and shits. It barely worked the last few times. I'm not complaining though. I know that by this time next week, I'll be back wearing the ever-popular bucket hats because chemo this strong, well, it'll make me lose my hair faster then any razor ever could. I don't want a ton of pity-emails about this. I don't care if you believe me or not, because I know it's real. I know what's happening to me.

Still, why focus on that? I had a good birthday today. Jade made me a nice 3 layer cake, and I ate so much of it that I think I'm going to puke any minute now. She also got me a copy of Simon and Garfunkle's Greatest Hits, which had Homeward Bound on it. I love that song. I had a copy on a cassette that I taped off the radio when I was 12, and the tape was really starting to wear out, because I take it to the hospital all the time when I go. I think that song alone has gotten me through the worst times of my life there. Sean got me a discman, one of those blue Psych ones. I'll take it and my new CD with me tomorrow. I have a feeling that I'm going to need it. I can't say how happy I am to be able to be friends with Sean again. Too bad that I never followed his advice before. I could have saved us all alot of heartache. I got to go pack. Maybe I'll get something to eat before I go to bed. It can't hurt!