Sick, Sick, Sick

And that has nothing to do with my physical well-being, either.

Forgotten Blogs

I've pretty much abandoned the persona that I made on that other site. I liked writing about her sexcapades and all, but it wasn't really worth it. I was using one of Jade's pictures, and I guess that stirred up some pretty painful memories.

Charlie's here, making cookies, nevertheless. Why is he here? I've noticed that a lot of guys are hanging around here lately. Not to mention women/girls who look like guys.. Is Jade giving it away now? ::sighs:: Jade didn't talk to me much yesterday. And even though she said in her weblog that she's not mad at me any more, I have my doubts. There are things that happen to Jade, and in our lives that, well, she doesn't put in her weblog. I think she has her personal reasons for this (stalkers!), but she still needs to tell people why and what is going on. People go to her weblog not only for entertainment, but for information. I should close now. James and I are working on the new weblog domain. Yes, he was given a domain for his weblog for Chirstmas. And we're trying to figure out how to get it to work.

What Now?

Jade must want something from me. She came in and watched the last fifteen minutes of the Simpsons with me. I actually am missing out on James's big night. And you know what? I could really care less. I don't care what James is doing anymore. The last time that something big was going to happen to me, he let me share the spotlight with him. This time? I guess he knew that he was going to get a sure-thing, because he didn't ask me to join in on the big-time.

I've had a headache all day, and all day yesterday I was dizzy. I guess it's from being here alone and knowing that Marcy doesn't care about me. She's just bidding her time here until Cedric gets a place of his own, and then she's out of here. Maybe I'm getting another blood clot in my brain, and this time I'll die. I doubt that Jade will take me to Osaka again for surgery. Hell, if I'm lucky, I won't be thrown out by Dave over this stupid web shit. I neeed to go back to my game.

What. The. Hell.

At least Jade came up to me tonight and spoke to me... She asked me why the hell did I get my friend Jules to make that website for her on GeoCities, because someone's stolen her pics and put them on a domain. Making Jade look like a common thief. Okay, here's the trip: Jade was majorly ripped off in a petty attempt to destroy her online by jealous DOGS. Jade yelled at me tonight. She called me filthy names. She accused me of being in on the ordeal with the stalkers. I'm in total shock here. Why doesn't Jade love me any more? Why is she so mad at me? We used to have a good relationship before this whole fucking web-shit started in. So what that a few people are not going to believe that Jade's who she says she is. What does she have to prove to them? If they're stupid enough to believe the other side, especially the two loyal readers who personally asked Dave for Jade's new weblog URL themselves, then I say it's their loss.

This whole ordeal... People who have been reading Jade's weblog way before the stalkers ever got sites... They're now doubting her? Let me ask you guys something: Why would Jade be keeping up with this personality if it wasn't getting her anywhere? She's not making any money off of her sites, and she's not asking for anything there. What is she gaining? The hit-counter contest is over. She didn't win. What more could she possibly want from anyone out there? No one in their right mind would keep doing this for so long and so strongly if they were faking it. Think about that.

Jules said today that he can't find a motive in the stalkers' reasons for keeping this going for so long. Well, if getting my only considered-sister to hate me was their motive... It worked.

The Invisible Boy

Well, Jade treated me like shit all day yesterday and into today. Thank you very much, people who knew about the stalkers! She made lunch, and yet didn't make any for me. She cleaned my room, but with a vengence, and only because Dave made her. Does anyone really know how that made me feel? Jade also watched Mad TV alone in her bedroom last night. She didn't watch it with me, and even though I turned on my TV at 11:30 last night, and played Majora's Mask until nearly 1 in the morning, Jade never came in to play it with me. This is the first time that Jade's really pushed me away. It's as if all the kind things that I did for her when we were kids suddenly never mattered. She's distant when she has to talk to me, usually to yell at me for doing something that I didn't realize I was doing.

I feel like crying. Though I know I can't. I've recieved an email from someone who's been through this all before. I asked him if I could post it here on my site, as though that would make things a little more real for me. He told me to go ahead. So, here it is. Unabridged. Encouraging. And most of all, comforting:

"Dear Billy:
I understand that you're going through a tough time with your sister now, and with the people online, you have my condolences. This happened to me not too long ago. It will eventually go away. These people who are giving you, your sister, your friends, and your other relatives problems online and are building hate-sites will eventually get bored with the idea. Especially when their hits don't get as high as they'd like them to be, or as high as they used to be. They will find someone else to prey on. I have looked through your friend, Julian's web site, and he is very level-headed. I also believe that domains purchased for non-commercial means shouldn't be used to promote hate and spread lies. Be brave, Billy. These days online are going to be hard, but they will prove your strength.
Blessed be,
Randy"

You know? It doesn't make it feel any better, but it's nice to know that I have a total stranger on my side, you know? Someone who at least tells me that I'm worth something, even though I'm quite convinced that he's never read my weblog here until this whole mess got going.

Speaking of the mess, I want to talk about the people who were "concerned" with the Jade's dead thing. Marcy printed the emails... I peeked at Dave's email files... You both, who emailed Marcy, you were given permission to Jade's weblog by her personal pimp, Dave! You knew that there was something wrong when Dave took away her URL the first time. You knew it was something really serious. You knew this. So when James and I moved our diaries back to their old URLs to show that we're not afraid (IE: Dave doesn't rule our lives and decisions), Jade got a little jealous. She wanted her old URL back too. She never was afraid. Not of the stalkers, anyway. But Dave is her all. She fears what will happen if she ever looses him. Why are some women so easy to brow beat like that??? Or is brainwash a better word to use here? In either case, thanks for rocking my boat over. I really needed this right now.