Mese

I won't apologize for the last few days. I am entitled to grieve as much or as little as I want over Kaycee or Timothy. They were my friends, and I can feel how ever I want about them. I will, however, explain why I acted the way that I did, and I did go in for some help, and I begged Jade to help me. She took my picture, and posted it on her Pictograph Blogger. She's actually going to get into the digital picture hobby. Anything to get her mind off the shittiness of the past few days.

Here's what I thought to be true:

I believed that James and Jana were the same two people. Why? Well, the names begin with the same letter, when something bad happens to one, it happenes to the other, and vice versa, they both have chemical imbalances, for some reason Jana majorly tolerates James's drug addictions, and well, Jana arrived and started talking to me right after I'd gotten into it with James over a dime. There was more than enough there for me to believe that they were the same person. Last, who would willingly admit that they love James? Not I.

Some time last week, I signed onto Marcy's screen name with AOL, and Jana told me that Jade had terminal, untreated breast cancer. I'll say right here and now that I don't want anyone to suffer what I am going through with cancer. It's just too horrible for anyone to have to go through. I think that Jana knew that it was me that she told that to, because of the web cam here. I don't know if she has my link to that, and it is a public link. This upset me, because I have all but dedicated my life to making sure that no one hurts Jade any more. I've tried since I was old enough to understand the sad story of her life, and how she was snatched away from the only parents that she had ever known, who loved her and treated her kind. So with this, believeing that James and Jana were the same person, I changed Jana's billing info on AOL as punishment for telling me that. I am sorry that I did that now, because I know that Jana is a real person, not a figment of James's imagination, and that Jade is not dying of breast cancer. I will send Jana the money to cover her AOL billing. I know it will be at least $400, but I'm saving up already.

Kaycee's memorial will stay at this site. She was my friend. I love her. I would have put up one for Timothy, but people would have thought that I was weird.

All this combined with a bottle of 500 Somas, 500 mus-laxs, and as much liquor a day, what did you expect? A calm saint?

I've been giving a lot of seditives, and anti-depressants today, so I am weak and tired. I will be back, but probably not today. I'm sorry that you all had to go through this. I shall return. But not as the hateful asshole I became for a day or so, but the pain-in-the-ass-asshole that I always was.

Doubt Me?

I got a phone call from Dave today. He told me not to blog any more today, but to log into my account and erase that memorial site to Kaycee Nicole Swenson. He said that she wasn't real. She was real. I knew her. I think that after four months of email, chat, phone calls, and physical meetings, I would know whether she was real or not. I will blog if I want to. Dave can't stop me. I am my own person.

It saddens and sickens me to think that someone would doubt Kaycee's existance only because he is jealous that she wouldn't sleep with him. That has to be it.

Kaycee's memorial on this blog is never coming down. It's my site. I can do with it whatever I want. I could post nude pictures of Jade and Marcy on here if I wanted to. No one can control what I have on here, and all that hate mail that I'm getting? Well, if I get any more, I'm terminating some services.

And James.... Notice anything screwy with your services lately??

That's all that I have to say today.

Good Bye My Sweet, I Will See You Again On The Other Side

I got a call from the mother of a friend of mine. She said that her daughter's death was near, and if I wanted to say goodbye to her, I should get to the hospital immediately. I changed, and ran to TRMC, in the pouring rain, I ran through the doors, but I was too late. Just as I got into her room, at 4:20 PM today, Kaycee Nicole Swenson died of complications of leukemia.

I honestly believed that she was faking leukemia just to hurt me and get info for paranoid Jana. Kaycee missed her last chemotherapy treatment because she was taking care of my daughter while Marcy was out screwing Cedric. In her last days, I treated Kaycee bad. I called her names. I hated her. I believed Jana's ravings. I didn't get there to tell her that I didn't mean all that, and that I was sorry.

And sorry I am.

This is the second friend that was very dear to me that has lost their life this week. There was no excuse for Timothy, he was healthy. Our suck-ass "justice" system did that. But at least I was good to him through the end.

I won't be blogging much for a while. So don't be surprised if you don't see any more posts for a while.

Remember Kaycee. Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember what happened to a girl who was good, and kind, and brave, because she strayed across the path of cancer. Remember Kaycee Nicole Swenson.

Birthday Wishes

If there's one thing that I hate about birthdays, it's that no matter what you get someone like Jade, you know that they're always disappointed. She won't tell you what she wants, yet when you get her something, she never even thinks that it's good. Therefore, I think that this will be the last year that I get her anything. She didn't like the heart pendant. I am not made out of money, and yes that was made out of silver and gold tinted paper clips.

I wish Jade the best birthday ever. I know that eventually she'll be happy with what I get her. I just wish that I could do better.

"You're Going Down, Whore!!!"

Exactly two months tomorrow, I said those words to Tamara Jenkins. The psycho that shot my sister, and left her for dead in the Tulsa Marriot's parking lot on the night of April 13, 2001. Exactly tow months ago today. Ironic, how I got my wish? Tamara Jenkins was jealous of my sister, Jade's, talent, friendliness, and success. But then a lot of people are, aren't they? I won't sit here and blog that Jade's the prettiest girl in the world, because that's just not true. She's got too many emotional and physical scars to win any beauty pageants. But she does look prettier when she smiles. Tamara decided to kill Jade over – get this – a web domain name! They'd bought the same domain name. Actually, Jade didn't buy hers, George did, because Kathy Action (Jade's DJing personality) needed to be media-ized. Tamara seen Jade's site, and got mad. She sent Jade hateful emails. She threatened her. Jade never even got those emails. I did. I nosed through her email inbox, and read, erased, and replied to them. The last reply that I sent to Tamara from "Jade" was:

"What are you gonna do to me? Track me down and shoot me? You're all the way in Cincinnati. Grow up, bitch."

Three days later, that's exactly what Tamara did. She tracked Jade down, and shot her. My fault? Probably. Had Jade had seen those emails, she might have changed her domain. She might not have gotten shot. My niece, Kylie, might be alive today. Yes, I regret sending Tamara those emails. Jana is right: I should stay out of other people's email inboxes. But I feel this need to protect them from emotional harm: Jana, Jade, Marcy, James, Kaycee, Bonnie. The motto? Come pick on me you cyber bully-bastards! I can take it. Back to Tamara. She wasn't punished, because Jade didn't press charges. She said that those charges would ruin Tamara's life, and she didn't want that. Tamara had a right to have a good life. She said this on the channel 6, 8 and 2 news.

Yes, Tamara was arrested the day after she shot Jade. I went to see the bitch in jail. She mocked what had happened. Made fun of how Jade looked when she was in pain. And she said that she was going to finish the job some day. The only thing that I said to her? "You're going down whore!" And I left the jail. What did I do? I got her site cancelled. I made her online life a living Hell, from stealing her email, to sending hate letters from her addy. She retaliated, however, and made a site that ringed around Jade's death. It wasn't to Kathy Action, it was targeted to Jade's death. Jade found the site in the middle of the night, because Tamara's blog is public and showed up. She spent that night in terror, and I don't blame her. Tamara photoshopped pictures of Jade to make them look like Jade had been brutally murdered. She posted that she was going to torture Jade for hours, and then mastubate while Jade was taking her final breath. Tamara is one sick bitch.

The second site is coming down in October. I found this out today from Katy, Jade's twin sister. Katy came back, and she ran Tamara off the net. She bought two domains just like Tamara's, and told her to come get her. Tamara has given up. She is going to just let the domain expire. Know what? Jade's sites are still up. They are never going to be taken down. Neither are mine. Katy made it a point to make Tamara feel that she was copying Katy. Tamara's big thing was she was going to get Jade thrown off the 'net. But now she's leaving. I'm glad that we won the web-war, but I know that this isn't over by a long shot. But at least the shrine to my sister's murder is gone.

And when Tamara comes knocking, I'll be there. She won't get past me this time.

Never Blog When You're Horny

After that last post, Kaycee was standing behind me, she was slowly massaging me towards my dick. I liked it, yeah, but I had other plans. Yes, sex was part of the other plans. I took her by the hand, and led her to the living room. Marcy was sitting back to us, feeding Jana. I whispered to Kaycee, "Wait here," and went over to where Marcy was sitting. I took the baby from her, handed her to Kaycee, and led Marcy back to our bedroom, telling Kaycee over my shoulder, "Don't tip her head back too far when you're feeding her. She'll drown."

I've always said that I've had the best sex of my life with Marcy. Today's was no exception. It had been almost two months since either of us had had any. And for that twelve minutes, I was in Heaven on Earth. And it wasn't just the pleasures of sex. I love Marcy. I love being near her.

What? You were expecting me to screw Kaycee? Fuck no! That bitch has gonorrhea and doesn't know it! I'm not in the mood for re-infection! Besides, I don't even like Kaycee, let alone love her.

Is It Hot In Here, Or Is It Just Kaycee?

Kaycee's here. She's sitting on the foot of my bed. She is watching me, I know. That's okay. She actually thinks that there's something sexy about me sitting here, typing on a PowerBook 1400. I'm just blogging. Not anything else.

Kaycee's the type that would neglect her baby to meet my needs. Where has Marcy been this entire time? Sitting in the other room feeding the baby. *cough*That'sarealturnon*cough* I'm glad that she loves the baby and all, but what about me? How long has it been since I've had any? April? Man, what is this? Marriage=No more sex ever? Kaycee might not be my wife, but at least she doesn't have sex-phobia. And she's about to prove that.

Phone Calls and Glass

Yup, he did it. James was so upset and nervous about talking to Jana today that he went into the bathroom, under the pretenses that he was sick and about to throw up, and broke the mirror above the sink. No biggie, we can always buy a new one right? Right. But what he did to his arm with the broken glass, well, that was another story. He cut long, ropey slashes into the underside of his arm. I was the one that seen this. I came in and found the bathroom floor covered with blood. Well, not covered, but a fairly large pool of blood. Or should I say puddle? You never know when those assholes that pick apart every little detail of blogs are going to target yours. Anyway, I asked him what had happed. Did his kidney problem get worse? He was half way crying. Dave and mom took him to the ER.


In a lighter note, my daughter, Jana, seems to hate me lately. She spits at me, she tried to kick me in the face once, and today, when I was carrying her to breakfast, she actually punched me in the nose. Come on, she's only a month old! She doesn't have reason to hate me! Yet.