Dispite All My Rage, I Still Have A Silly Name

Dave decided to post that he "ran off" the trouble-maker today on the message board. That I don't understand, for several reasons. But I guess that after all the pain and suffering that Jade's gone through the past week, he feels compelled to do so.

What the hell?! That last paragraph sounded like something that James would write, not me! But it's true. Dave said that there was one person here that we didn't need, and he simply ran her off. I've even come to believe that a certain person is intentionally being mean to Jade, making her run to the winery every few hours; she hasn't been sober all day. I felt so bad about this that I locked up the Mus-Lax, and vowed not to touch another pill until Jade's okay. That would be the last thing that she needed to see: Me, high and wired on muscle relaxants. At least Jana's forgiven me until my next caper. Heh.

I went home today for a little while. Mom wasn't too happy to see me, even though I told her that I was going to be on MTV in six days (James all of a sudden needs a lead). I want to go home. I don't want to be a kid again, but I want to be at least on good terms with my parents. My dad's just started talking to me like a human, something that I have no idea on how to deal with. You could say that I never had a dad before. Well, he told me today that one of the reasons that he's thought that I was gay all this time was because I was named after Corrigan Harrison, a transsexual friend of my mom's that he hated with a passion. Corrigan had strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes. Corrigan died three days before I was born. I kind of got hateful with him and said, "Just because I was born after a gay died and was named after him doesn't mean that I am gay. Look at all the George Michaels out there!" Know what he said? "You're right son. I'm sorry." Son? Man, how do I deal with this? It's these really good days that make me wonder.

Cancer

Well, as I promised, here's the essay that I wrote in November about cancer. No crying please. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want them to be happy for me. Be happy that I was able to post this. I want to do it again next year. If I'm here.

Cancer: Living With Dying

If someone told me a year ago that I would lose 4 very special friends, be diagnosed with Cancer, face death, and come face to face with uncertainty, I would not have believed them. My plans didn't include any of these terrible situations.

On June 22, 2000 after a routine check-up and biopsy my doctor told me I had Cancer. I was 16 years old; in my mind it was impossible.

It took me two weeks of denial before I came to terms with the truth of it all. It took me another week filled with tears and extreme fear before I pulled myself together. Then the fight inside me kicked in. I drew on my stubbornness, and competitiveness to see me through. I decided if I was going to go I would do it fighting all the way.

The original doctor told me I had three months to live, his words angered me. I don't spend much time being angry because to me it is wasted energy. I'm a positive type person, so I searched for the positive even when the things around me all appeared to be negative.

My family was in the process of moving. As soon as we settled in, with my mom's help and constant support we searched for a Cancer Specialist to begin the road of uncertainty. That was when I met the man who would change my life in many, many ways. Doc John became not only my Cancer Specialist, but my friend, confidant, teacher, coach, and most of all, my lifeline.

The first thing I told him when we met was not to ever tell me how much life was left in me. His answer will remain with me forever. Very calmly and seriously he said, "Billy, I am not the Keeper of Time."

This was the beginning of the fight for my life, and changes that often times I only thought I was prepared to handle. Cancer is not a fair opponent. It doesn't fight honorably. It doesn't care how old you are, how strong you are, how independent. It attacks and destroys without provocation.

I knew I didn't deserve this, no one does. I had to focus my attention on my own strength. I had to lean heavily on the ones I loved. I had to sacrifice, trust and pray without questioning the reasons for acquiring this horrible disease. It was a moment by moment roller coaster ride.

I went from being a strong, vibrant person to rendered weak and feeling unsure. My body was subjected to massive amounts of Chemo and radiation treatments. This made me extremely sick and it was in these moments that I would lose sight of myself. I would sit on the floor hugging my knees, praying for it to end. My brother's dog, Buddy, would come and lay his head on my lap as if to absorb my discomfort. I would pet him and think, "He understands, he feels my pain too."

But somehow through it all I always managed to find the brightness. It didn't matter how, I just did it because no one else was going to do it for me. I had plenty of help along the way. My true friends were the greatest. Those who weren't deserted me. I don't hold this against them. Their way of handling it was to walk away. I can respect that.

Help!! My Dildo Gave Me An STD!!!

That's exactly what Jade was saying 10 minutes ago. Her dildo?????? Oookay, if you say so Jade. She said that she used it Wednesday night, and she swelled up "down there" bigger than a gourd, and burning pain! Well, if that wasn't bad enough, she poured hydrogen peroxide and rubbing alcohol on the "gourd", and screamed for an hour today. Just now. I wonder if she heard me laughing about it??

I'm not saying that Jade's stupid, but if she's the only one that uses that dildo, and it gave her an STD, think about that. Where did the dildo get it from? Or is it cheating on her too? Bad dildo!! You cheated on Jade!!

By the way, it's one of those cyber skin cyber cocks. I never really thought that Jade needed something like that. She's married!!!!! I bet she has a vibrator too! If I knew where she kept it, I'd replace the batteries with baby carrots. Think that would teach her?? Ha! Billy is Back!!!!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of me being diagnosed with cancer. People have asked me how it's effected my life since I came home from the doctor's office that day and knew that I was given a death wish. Yeah, there are people that survive this, I just don't' think that I'm going to be one of those people. A week after that diagnosis, I was in for my first chemotherapy treatment. June 29, 2000. That's when prayers went around the city of Tulsa and the city of Jenks for me (aw, see Jana? People do love me!). They would have been answered if I had done my part and kept going to treatment. But that's not going to be the issue tomorrow. I'm not going to start a "Feel Sorry For Billy" site, or even a collection. Sure, I'm dying, but keep your money and go buy some booze with it. If you want to make me happy, let me have a drink of that booze.

No, tomorrow I will post my senior paper that I wrote in December of 2000 for the Jenks Senior Class. I'd received a total of one dose of chemotherapy. Taxol. I would have been cured, but I didn't tell Jade that I had cancer. I didn't want her to worry. You could say that I gave my life for Jade. Had I had gone to those other treatments, I'd probably still be bald, but my cancer would have been gone. James was in worse shape than me, and his cancer was gone by the second dose. I've been told that I need at least one more dose, but as bad as I felt today, and I haven't had any Taxol since May, I don't want to do this. Jade said that all what I had to do was say the word, and when we get back from New York, after the fourth, I'd be cancer free. So to speak. I wouldn't need any more Taxol or chemo for the rest of my life. It would be over. Over. I've wanted to hear that for almost a year. And now that the time has come, I'm afraid. What if my liver won't be able to take it? What if my heart quits? It's times like this that I hate. There's no telling what will happen. But it can't be good. Well, I need to work on the ol' email.

Who's Sorry Now?

I think, that if Jana hadn't kept everyone in an uproar, James wouldn't have been upset and taken the wrong needle. He would have been paying attention. He's going to die now, thanks to her and her bullshit. I've erased a lot of the email that was sent here today, and I deleted the AIM software. I don't want Marcy to be the next dead, you know?

To keep my mind occupied today, I worked on George's site: Cyber Chameleon. I put up some pictures, and a new banner. I'm not as good with HTML as James. Yeah, he knew more than me, but did I ever tell him? No. I also had to speak at Kaycee's memorial service today. That was sad. I told the people there that James was in critical condition, and he wanted to be at the service today. Very few people even bothered to care, let alone pay attention.

At least I have some say so over my life now. Marcy blogged that she was going to go into a stupor if James dies. Well, she's gone to go fuck Cedric, like I expected her to do. She never fails me that way. And Jana thought that it was me that was the cheating asshole...

Blog and Email, Email and Blog

But that's what I get for attempting to help the Wicked Bitch of the West-side of Alabama. Heh, that was what my mom was known as when we first moved her to Oklahoma: The Wicked Bitch of the West-side. I think I started that. Jana's probably blogged some weird shit about me by now. And James changed his name. Hmmm. Can't figure that out, can you? I think I'll just tell Jade that Jana called and wanted the bracelet back. I'll never find it, and Jana decided to play mega-bitch last night and tonight. That's okay. Makes me not regret a thing about wanting my pictures back. Who knows who this person really is. Marcy says that she met her in a woman's chat room. You know what? I could go in a woman's chat room, and use the handel: Pisces, and no one would know that I was a guy. It's not like they'll know my web-cam URL.

Wow, the sun went down fast. It's 8:30, and it's already gone.

Speaking of the sky, Jade's going to enter that air show. Well, it was nice knowing you Jade, especially if you're really going to attempt the Culvert's Star Burst. I doubt that you're experienced enough to do air tricks like that. Jade was whining around about how she's missing her html class. Well, what does she care? I'll teach her any html that she wants to know.

You think I'm a nasty bastard, go check out James's blog (http://kafei.blogspot.com), he brags about giving Jade gonorrhea. How? Isn't his in his throat from sucking dick and eating cum? How did he pass it to her pussy? Hell, if she and Marcy are dyking, they need to stop for a while. I don't want to get that shit again.

Hello, I've Waited Here For You..... Everlong

I know that she's home. I know that she's not doing anything, except maybe the nasty with something that runs on batteries... heh heh heh.

I shouldn't be mean. Jana's been okay to me, all things considered. However, I have yet to get an email that says: "Thanks for sending me your picture.... You're so sexy!!!" Actually, if I ever get an email like that from anyone, I'll die happy. Let's face it: Irish people are not sexy. Maybe she's gone into hiding again? Shit, if that's the case, I'll have to go kill James and Marcy. Never mind sending Jana any bomb. I'd risk getting blown to Hell and make one for them. I should do that to James any way, for reasons that I can't mention here.

Jade was in tears tonight (no shit, right?)over the fact that she'd lost the bracelet that Jana had given her for her birthday. She said that it was the only "real" thing that she'd gotten. The rest of the stuff that she'd gotten were things like graphics for her blog, or HTML codes for the fonts at her blog, and an HTML class from James. I went out looking for Jade's bracelet today. I searched the entire third hallway floor, all three elevators, the lobby, the parking lot, and headed towards the Arkansas River bridge. According to Jade's blog, she never made it to the bridge, she was picked up by our oldest brother, Jesse. My head's all sun burned and peeling because I forgot my had. But I didn't find it. Hell, I don't even know what I'm looking for, that's why I'm sitting here, waiting on Jana to get done fingering herself and get on AOL.

I don't really know why Jana was mad at me. I guess that I'm not entitled to get upset or anything. I did read her blog. I found it. And it's not at Buffy's Domain of Delight. That was some man in a dress. Anyway, she thinks of me as a little brother? Why the Hell has she never said this to me? I figured that I was, at best, an acquaintance to her. People bottle up too much emotion. What if I had died in Japan? I'd have died not knowing this. Why did she not tell me? I feel, what's that emotion called? Not love, but that feeling that you get, right after someone's told you something that melts your heart? Is that love? The love of a friend or family member? There are so many emotions that I've had over the past week that I don't believe that I knew the names of them all. I've felt sadness for the loss of those friends of mine that were so dear to me. With Timothy gone, I never thought that I'd get out of that last mess. He helped me so much the last time. I've felt anger towards James, for the bullshit that he's caused, and for the pain that he's caused Jade. I've felt sympathy and a million other things for Jade. I can't imagine holding my daughter and having everything be okay one minute, and for her to die in my arms the next. I know that I'd be the next soul to leave this Earth if that had happened to me. And now I don't know how to feel about Jana. There's nothing that I could put here that would make this all better, and I know that there's nothing that I could do that wouldn't make it worse?

Oh god...

That song, Jaded by Aerosmith is on. I remember singing that to Jade on her birthday. I really wish that they wouldn't play that or that other song, I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack. That's one of Jade's favorite songs. The only thing worse would be if Hey Now Now by Swirl 360 was on. That's Jade's absolute favorite song. She loves those twins.

This is making me cry, so I'll just wait patiently until it's over....

There. Mission accomplished. Now, I need to wipe my eyes...

Well, it's after nine. I've waited for over an hour for Jana. Shit, how long does it take you old bags to get off? I realize that you're old and stiff, but shit, I've only got three hours per month on AOL here. The rest of the time I use IE (Internet Explorer). Well, guess I'll go brush my teeth, and come back and see if she's done beating off yet.

The Saddness of Friendship

One of the many things that I don't understand is why does Jade put up with people that don't care about her. Here she is, she had her babies last night, one of them died, the other's about to die, and she's going to be hauled off to jail in a few days for murder, and yet she wants to talk to the one person that reported her to DHS all this time a total of seven times since April. She wants to be near this person. Have this person tell her that everything's going to be okay.

Jana?

Nope. I seen the reports. And even though they were signed Jana Dozier, I know that she is not behind them. See, I recognized the handwriting. And the low-life's gel pen. Why am I not revealing who this person is? Why stir up shit? I'm going to email Jana when I finish this blog, and explain it to her. She's the only one that deserves my explanation right?

I know why this was done. And I think that it's sick. If I am right, I will blog about it tomorrow, but not a day sooner. I can't be posting hateful shit on here that I'm not even sure about. Well, that email's not going to write itself.

Billy's Back..... Anyone Miss Me?

I feel a little weird from the combination of Prozac and tranquilizers/sedatives. I don't know why I have to take tranquilizers or sedatives. It's not like I was running down the street naked or anything.

Kaycee's memorial service will be Wednesday. James wants to go, but his stitches won't be out until Thursday. At least no one is telling me what a psycho I am. They seem to be more concerned with calling Jade a cyber slut. I defended her as best as I could.

Man, my gut still hurts from all those Pop Rocks and Coke. Not to mention the soda that was mixed with it. :-P

Well, it seems as though, since I was feeling a little better, I'd better go on with my investigations. Kaycee and Timothy would have wanted it that way. The last thing that Kaycee and I did together on the internet was comb through Blogger's directory, looking for Jana's blog. I bet there's some real hard core shit in that. Maybe something that would show Jade that she needs to move on. Not waste her time any more. I just know that Jana's written something like: Jade is such an ugly slutty bitch!! I'm not out to get Jade, I just think that Jana's not the friend to Jade that she claims to be anymore. She's Marcy's friend now, not Jade's. And if anything I could blame James on all this. See? He's good for something!!!