What The Fuck Did They Do??????
I was going to blog a cry-baby blog about how I hate my dad. About how he was so crule and hateful to me today. About how I didn't deserve what had happened. But when I logged in, I seen that James had posted on his blog, Life According To James, and so I decided to read what he'd written. It was sad. Tears actually filled my eyes as I read that. I closed my lap top and went straight to James' house, but I was too late. Tom was there asleep on the couch, and James' siblings and cousins were there, but James had already left. He'd taken a lot of his clothes, his guitars, demo CDs, photo albums, and most of his medications. To my horror, I found his lithium bottle, empty, under his bed. The date on the bottle was from Monday. Did he take them all? I checked the room a little better. No signs of his insulin or cyclosporin bottles, so I still wasn't sure. I ran down stairs, and just past the stairs I seen the Performa 410, still turned on, with the screen saver on. Jana and Shorty's picture was smiling back at me from the screen saver. I stopped and watched it change several times, from them to Marcy, to my daughter's hospital picture, to my picture, to Kaycee's, to Jade's, and then back to Jana and Shorty's. For some reason, that pissed me off. James cared so much about those people on that screen saver. But did any of them really care back? Looking down at myself in my robe and pajamas, I assumed that I cared. I went up to the Performa and nudged the mouse. The screen saver stopped, and then disappeared. I couldn't believe what had taken it's place. That web site that I'd found in Japan, When Death Is Approaching, was on the screen. There were more windows open. I scrolled through them. All of them were about death. What it was like. What to expect. The final one scare the shit out of me. "How To Kill Yourself Painlessly". A sub head line read, "Over Doses Are Quick and Partially Painless". The link to that part was blue. James had looked at it!!!!!! I swallowed hard and ran for the living room, screaming at Tom all the way. He was partially stoned. "What the fuck's all the screaming about?" he demanded. "James! Where's James?" I demanded. "Fucked if I know. He's nineteen. He can do what he wants," Tom replied and went back to sleep. I ran up the stairs and woke up Lucas. He knew a little more than Tom, and told me that he'd heard James sniffling about an hour ago. He also told me that someone had majorly given James a hard time. I questioned him. Asked him if it was Kaycee. Did this happen over the phone? Face-to-face? "No, he was talking to her on the internet," Lucas said, sleepily. "Who??" I asked. "I don't know. Mary and Auntie I think," he replied.
Marcy.
Jana.
Why must they do this shit? Surely they both have the common sense to know that James could kill himself at any moment. Don't they care? Was Kaycee right? I asked Lucas if there was any place that James would go if he wanted to be alone, or do something that he didn't want anyone else to know that he was doing. Lucas suggested the mine or the labyrinth. He said that James was going to the labyrinth because he was wearing those water-proof shoes. I sighed and told Lucas to go back to sleep. I knew then that even if I had the strength and energy of a healthy person, I wouldn't be able to get to James in time in the labyrinth. I left that house feeling empty and infinite sadness. On my way out I turned off the Performa 410. "Night Agnes," I told her. "Night Billy," she replied in a monotone female voice. James had read to that machine and taught it to talk (with the help of software, of course), and she could distinguish between voices. I dread the morning.
